approaching three

Virginia will be three on Wednesday.  THREE.  let me say that again, T.H.R.E.E. years old.  How in the world did that happen?! 

She is old enough to understand that it is her birthday and she is so so so excited about it.  That alone makes this time, which used to be tinged by much bitterness and pain, so joyous and exciting.  

Her celebrations started on Saturday the 18th with a party that included 12 of her 2-3 year old friends and their parents and continued last night with a trip to the NICU to visit her night nurse and deliver some gifts for the babies currently fighting their battle.  We continued today with a little celebration at preschool and we will finish up on Wednesday with just the 3 of us.. just as it all started.  

What was not lost on me was irony that we started this string of celebrations exactly 3 years from the time that I went from "stable bedrest" on maternal special care to "imminent delivery" on labor and delivery.  Those days are a complete blur thanks to 5 days of magnesium but with brief moments of such clarity.  Moments that I will never forget.  

Those 5 days were physically very difficult, but that paled in comparison to the mental anguish.  In those moments I knew that every hour made a difference but I also knew that realistically we were in an unbelievably precarious position. There was a cloud of nervous anticipation so very thick in that labor and delivery room that week- it was veiled by hope and positivity but was honestly heavy and exhausting for everyone.  

I thank god every day that Virginia and I had the strength to make it those "extra" days, but always wish it could have lasted longer.  always.  

That pain is part of her story and those 5 extra days are part of the celebration.  So we celebrate.  We also hug a little tighter these days, sing a little louder, and laugh a whole lot more.  I wish that 3 years ago I could have known how joyous these 5 days of celebrating would be.  

Virginia's first friends - October 2011 Yale NICU babies

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night nurse Amy and those famous NICU doors

 We also celebrated by buying a new house ;) 

perception and memories

We are in the throes of potty training.  It is a delicate balance teetering toward a power struggle with my very feisty and stubborn girl.  The tactic changes almost daily.  There are stickers, praise, bribery, and yes sometimes ultimatums.  One day last week as I was trying to get Virginia to focus on going number two, I agreed to play music for her on my iphone while she sat on the potty.  Pharell's 'Happy' didnt get it done, neither did Katy Perry's 'California Girl.'  The next song up was Phillip Phillip's 'home' which is our anthem of sorts, mostly because we have made several slideshows to that song.  She immediately recognized the song and had a big smile on her face.  Then she kept repeating a long phrase which initially I couldn't make out.  After her expression became more serious I finally realized that she recognized the song as the one that is set to her slideshow.  What she remembered though was "baby getting boo boo fixed at doctor."  Mind you these are never words we have used while watching that video with her.  The few times we have watched it we have always told her that the tiny baby in the pictures was her, that she was very small and sick, and that we loved her.

Clearly those images and that song stuck with her, but not in the same way that it has stuck with Heath and I.  She clearly knows that the baby in the photos in the first half of that video was sick but she has no idea that it was her.  She also clearly does not remember the 2nd half of the video where she is able to recognize more recent photos of herself.

It is a huge relief to me that at nearly 3 years old her memory is only that of sympathy and concern for the baby in the video.  That she does not consciously or subconsciously remember anything from that time.  We will always be open with her and we hope that she only ever looks at those photos and feels powerful for how far she has come and thankful for the medical care and prayers that saved her.   I know those photos will always foster mixed emotions for Heath and I, but also believe that the same photos will empower her to be the mightiest and best person that she can be.

The same goes for this blog.  I have always been cognizant that one day Virginia may read her story here.  It has been a fine line to straddle and the older she gets the more aware I am of how she may feel about her story being 'out there.'  I can only hope that she views these words in the same way that she views those earliest photos.  I can only hope that she is proud of how resilient and blessed she is.  I can only hope that she continues to do amazing things and changes peoples lives for the better.

And....She never pooped on the potty that afternoon.

When breastfeeding can't come naturally - World Breastfeeding Week

Like many mothers of premature babies I had the odds stacked against me.  Producing breastmilk would be no easy task but I was told it was of critical importance to the health of my baby who weighed about as much as a bottle of coke.

I was only 25 weeks into my pregnancy. My daughter was not ready to be born and my body was not ready to produce breastmilk. 

My body was in shock.  4+ weeks of bedrest, a traumatic C-section delivery, and some serious internal hemorrhaging meant that my body had other things to tend to.

I had to establish a supply with a pump.  Every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day.  

Odds meant nothing to me though.  We had already defied some odds and succumb to others.  When I realized that providing breastmilk to Virginia was literally the only thing I could do for her for the foreseeable future, it became my most important job.   An immensely tiring and painful job.

The monotony of assembling the cups, tubes, and plugs, followed by pumping a few drops, labeling bottles with time and date, cleaning said parts, and putting everything away was a far cry from the natural and instinctual experience that I had expected through the breastfeeding process.  Nothing about pregnancy and motherhood at that point was what I expected, but the difference was that by providing breastmilk for Virginia I was providing her with the only natural thing left.  

There were many moments where I doubted my ability to continue to pump.  Clogged ducts, low supply, and stress all made me doubt whether I could continue the 7-8 time a day ritual.  Thankfully I had a wonderfully supportive husband, some amazing nurses and lactation consultants, and a beautiful growing girl to keep me going.  

Then we got lucky.  Virginia turned out to be terrible at handling a bottle.  Like, really really bad. And scary.  She choked, she desated, she turned blue, and she passed out.  But she did none of that when we tried nursing.  It was sort of shocking to everyone, including me and was just what I needed to keep going.  And just what she needed in order to learn how to eat orally.  

For a full year both Virginia and I got to experience the most natural thing for us as mother and baby.  It healed us and allowed us to bond.  Breastfeeding ultimately went beyond the essential nutrition and antibodies that were so essential to her health while she was so very tiny and sick.  She gave back to me just what I gave to her in those early days ... hope and healing.

the results of several months of hard work.

Mom Confessions

I trick Virginia into getting out of the house by telling her that I see our neighbors cat.  

Sometimes I just smile and nod when I can't hear/understand Virginia. 

I have zero desire to potty train her.  And she needs to be potty trained for preschool in September.

Breakfast is still painfully slow.  If I am in a rush or just can't handle the morning torture we go to dunkin donuts.  Somehow a donut get eaten without 4893572 distractions and I make it to work on time. 

God bless ipads and elmos world.  

God bless Daniel Tiger too.

God please spare us of Caillou.

Virginia can count to 10 in spanish and I cant.  

She now knows when I skip pages in books.  And calls me out on it. 

Virginia still sleeps in a sleepsack.  Yes she is too big for them.  Yes I panicked when I realized that she could unzipper them herself.  My plan for keeping her in her crib until she is 14 is foiled.   

Now that Virginia is forward facing in her car seat she joyfully calls out things that she sees.  Sadly her most common notations are Dunkin Donuts, the pizza place, shake shack and chipotle.  She also panics if I drive in the direction of daycare on a "home" day.  

I had Ginny "help" me garden a few weeks ago.  In a span of minutes she was climbing the rose lattice and then brought me some dog poop.  lovely.  

Virginia - Kure Beach, July 2014

back at it and life lately

I used to wonder what happened to all the preemie blogs, as many seem to disappear when the kids become toddlers. 

..that kid must have "caught up"

..they had another baby

..they've moved on

Truth is, we are here at preemie toddlerhood and none of that is true for us.  We have just settled into our normal and writing is no longer such an essential part of the healing process.  It truly once was and selfishly that is why I wrote so consistently on this blog for so long.  We are not necessarily busier and prematurity is no less significant in our lives, but I have began to prioritize other things.  

I miss this though.  I miss sharing our amazing little lady.  I miss thinking and worrying outloud.  I miss this community.  

For now, I am just going to share some photos and anecdotes about life lately, but Ill be back soon with some new thoughts and a few projects :)

We are off on an airplane tomorrow for some much needed beach time.

newest virginia-isms:

"beep beep, ssscuse me cars"- anytime we are at a red light

"where my sunglasses?"

"gimeee that" & "I hold it"

latest favorites:

chipotle

the beach

Daddy

water table & the hose

helping cook

ipad

Happy Father's Day

Wow, what an amazing journey (cliché’s much?).  I’m not sure I would have believed on my 1^st Father’s Day that my 3^rd would be as cranky and tiring as it was for both of us. It started with a 3 hour nap (that I wished I partook in) at 11:30 and ended at the beach and coming home letting her get as wet as possible before dinner.  Alyssa also had her saying “Happy Father’s Day” all day, that sometimes would break her into signing a “Happy Birthday” rendition of “Happy Father’s Day.”

I remember people saying it the first time and being like, you don’t know.  Now, I’m realizing that I do know and understand why people always say this.  It’s a badge but really a way to connect with other men knowing how little they have to do with the parenting and how their loving wife ‘guides’ (I know there are more female readers than males, so I’ll stay away from any other verb) them through the process.  While I was exhausted (and seriously that doesn't hold a candle to what Alyssa does every week), knowing where we've been, I just started laughing when she went to bed.

At this point, Virginia is best outside or at the ‘beeech.’  She boxes us out of any useful activity (cleaning, cooking, etc) with the skill of Charles Barkley and a sensible, ‘exxxcusse me.’   Her tastes are all over the map, cheerios from Stew Leonard’s are now her favorite for breakfast, just hold on for an hour long session.  She does eat as long as it’s Dunkin Donuts.  I’m not sure if eats fast because we take her to the Bridgeport location (because the coffee and donuts are cheaper) or the crack they put in them so kids love them.

I do appreciate that she calls our room, Daddy’s room.  I did not find funny when I was in the car the other day and she said she wanted to go back to Mommy’s house (don’t worry we didn't get a divorce).  When asked were Mommy sleeps, its Daddy’s room, in Mommy’s house.  I swear she’s already caught on.

She’s unfortunately obsessed with her iPad.  It’s her go to when she’s ‘bored,’ we've set ourselves up for this failure.  We've had a busy few months travelling and it’s the go to distraction in the car, I guess we asked for it.  Tuesday we get our cable back, so maybe this is the right approach so I don’t have to share my huge 32” screen living room TV with Caillou.

Also, it’s finally hitting me that I’m not going back to school any time soon, thank god.  It’s great realizing some of the little things that I've missed, especially those trips to Chipotle.  You would think Virginia was going to the Four Seasons, if she only knew.  I also can no longer get away with, I have homework and I won’t be able to get to painting the porch.

So this fulfills my yearly post, no worries to regular readers, I won’t be taking over the blog and talking to you about the nuances of the 3-4 defense and why the Redskins really need to go back to the 4-3.

This would have been more appropriate yesterday but too bad.

To all the father’s out there, BobBob, Shawn, Pete, Damian and all of my friends from college that now have kids, Happy Father’s Day, a day late. 

To my father, Happy Father’s Day, you've been an amazing inspiration and I hope I can do half the job you were able to for our family.

Lastly, thanks to Alyssa, it’s always been trying and fun; I wouldn't be able to do it without you.  Really Father’s day isn't so much for me but for the whole family, although I do love the fact that anything stupid I do can just be chalked up to Father’s Day.

P.S. I have no clue how I remembered the password for the account but remember this Virginia when you don’t think your Dad is snooping at your e-mail, Facebook or whatever other weird social media platform that will be available to you.

March For Babies Wrap Up

Spoiler Alert.... It was another hugely successful year!!

In total we raised just over $12,000 which put us up and over $30,000 since 2012.  We are so incredibly thankful for all of our supporters.  Whether you shared our story, or donated, or walked with us, or simply cheered us on.  We are grateful for each and everyone of you.  Please know that you are making a difference in the fight against prematurity and birth defects.

We do what we do because another family raised these funds and raised awareness for us.  We are keenly aware that our outcome could have been very different and most definitely would have been different without the research and treatments that were funded by the March of Dimes long before we got involved.

This year:

We had over 70 walkers at 3 different walks.Our youngest "walkers" were 4 weeks old and our oldest was 80.
We had 12 two year old walkers.
We had hundreds and hundreds of donations ranging from $2 to $250.

We had 50 entries in our March Madness bracket challenge. 

We collected nearly $1000 at shake shack (and ate a few burgers too!)

We will be back in 2015 and hope that you will join us!