never the same

There are some things that will just never be the same again.  Its really the little things that bring me straight back to all that we have gone through in the past year.  It is the most random things that give me that pit in my stomach.

The smell of athletic tape that used to remind me of high school soccer practice but now brings me right back to kangarooing with Virginia.  Instead of having that newborn baby smell she just smelled like athletic tape from the all of the adhesive tape used to keep her tubes in place.  

The ding in my windshield that I got as I was driving to the hospital to be admitted.  I still have not gotten it fixed. 

The start of football season.  I thought Virginia was going to be a super bowl sunday baby and she arrived during week 7 of the season.  

The hum of the air conditioner in the middle of the night that sounds just like the puffs of the ventilators in nursery 3.  

The super spicy foods that I used to love that now just remind me of the way that my stomach felt while on magnesium.  

I95 south.  The ride south on I95 south from New Haven to Fairfield will always remind me of the drives home from the hospital.  I never wanted to leave Virginia and I often bottled up all of the emotions from any given day... many tears were shed as I passed west haven, orange, milford, stratford and bridgeport.  



Then there are the things that bring me right back and give me that quiet calm.

The smell of the pink blanket that Grandma Fairley made for Virginia.  I still havent washed it and it still has the distinct NICU/Virginia scent.

Getting on I95 North.  No matter where Im going, getting on I95 North always reminds me of that anticipation of seeing Virginia.  I still always feel like I should get off at rt 34. 

Elevators.  The elevator ride to the 4th floor of the children's hospital was always a zen moment in rush to get from the parking garage to the NICU.  Heath and I gave each other the same look as we took a nice deep breath every single night that we rode that elevator.

11:11.  I still see that time on the clock all the time.  Rationally I know that its just that I am aware of it more often, but it is such a special reminder of Virginia's precious life.